Author: oasischarm

I’m Disappointed With Online Dating

People raved about online dating on a couple of sites that I really trust, Ask Metafilter and Captain Awkward. Five years ago, at age 18, I was excited to try it.

I found OkCupid too confusing to use towards the end of my time there. I couldn’t see who liked my profile or messaged me anymore. I tried following the help instructions and still had no luck.

I also tried Craigslist, Plenty of Fish, and Match. People on Craigslist sent mean emails about my weight. They told me that they were flagging their ads because they didn’t want to see fat people on the site. They were very persistent about booting me off of the personals section.

All of the dating sites I’ve tried share the problem of people writing very sparse, vague profiles. For example, people wrote, “I love to laugh,” “I like to watch movies,” or “I’m looking for someone adventurous.” Their descriptions sounded alike. I had no idea from reading these profiles how these people thought or what it would be like to spend time with them or anything like that.

Very rarely, I’d have a brief relationship with someone I met online. I think all of these relationships fell apart partly because of my poor social skills, and partly because they had no respect for me.

I didn’t just want to date. I wanted to make friends, too. The only site I could find for talking to people as friends was the platonic section of Craigslist. One person I met wanted to start a business with me without a business licence, another associated with people in a violent gang, and so on, so nothing worked out. If there were more sites for people looking for friends, I would’ve tried them.

I’ve been trying so hard for five years to meet people online. I’ve gotten nowhere. It seems to work for other people. The person who runs Captain Awkward married someone she met online. I don’t understand why I have no luck with it. I just spent another $60 on Match the other day. I probably made a mistake doing that, since I’ve been on it for over six months and only gotten one date out of it.

Also, I hardly ever see any people near my size on these sites. I don’t care whether a romantic interest is fat or thin, but I know that other fat people are more likely to be willing to date me, so it’s discouraging to see all of these thin people. However, there are even fat people who aren’t willing to date fat people. Dating while fat sucks. Match allows me to see what body type(s) people selected (Plenty of Fish doesn’t show this) and only a small fraction of people are willing to date a fat person. It’s very intimidating to think of not only my weight, but all of the other factors working against me. I’m currently on disability, I don’t drive (I use public transportation and would not ask a romantic interest to help me get around), I’m Unitarian Universalist and Pagan (everyone seems to want an Atheist or a Christian) and so on.

Maybe it’s time to give up trying to meet people online.

My mom and therapist think that I  should switch to meeting people in person. I’m not confident that I can succeed at that, either, which is why I tried meeting people online in the first place, but I’ll try..

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Stressed About Buying a Bed

I’m confused about buying a bed. It has multiple parts. I’m so stressed about whether I can do this that I can’t even read the descriptions of these things online. They may as well be written in another language. My parents are confused about how to buy a bed, too, so it’s hard for them to help me. They also have mental health issues that can confuse them.

A while ago, my therapist mentioned that peer counselors can help with life skills. I hope that a peer counselor would consider this a life skill that they could help me with. Tomorrow, I’ll call my therapy place and ask them if a peer counselor can help me with this. If so, I’ll make an appointment. I hope that this person can explain to me in simple language the different parts of a bed, how to order them, and how to set them up when they arrive.

I’m worried that I’ll never get a bed, so I’ll never have good quality sleep, and I’ll never be able to have a romantic relationship. I have been craving physical intimacy, among other things. I’m having such horrible anxiety about if I’ll be able to do this that I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight 😦 I’ve vented on here before about my problems with oversleeping, but sometimes I swing too far in the opposite direction.

Setting up my apartment and maintaining it in general has been very stressful for me, as a late bloomer starting to learn basic life skills due to mental health issues, etc. at age 23. I really want to make it work living independently. I hope this works out.

I Successfully Went to Walmart and Back on the Bus By Myself

The last time I went to Walmart, my dad took me there in his car. I bought a rolling cart while I was there so that I could shop on my own on the bus. A few weeks passed before I finally went to Walmart today. I cycled through going hungry, wasting a bunch of money on eating out, or eating gross food (i.e, watery pot pies) from the convenience store within walking distance.

Today, I went to Walmart and got some food that I like. I bought mostly really simple stuff, like hot dogs. I hope that next time and beyond, I can go even further, researching recipes and buying food that I can take time to prepare at home. I don’t think I’ll ever cook for every single meal, though, because there are some things that I like that just don’t need to be cooked, such as lunch meat sandwiches. I’d like to mix it up between cooking and not cooking.

I made some mistakes, such as forgetting to buy mustard and mayonnaise to go on my lunch meat sandwiches. From now on, I’ll shop with a list.

I also put money on my credit card at their money center, which was a relief, since I didn’t have much money on it for weeks. Aside from food, I mostly buy stuff online, so that sucked.

I was worried that there wouldn’t be room on the bus for my cart, or that if there was, people would get angry with me for taking up more space. There turned out to be room for my cart after all, and nobody said anything about it.

Going to Walmart and back today has made me more confident that I’ll be able to handle living on my own in my apartment and won’t have to go back to assisted living. I’m optimistic that I’ll be able to build on these life skills over time.

I’ll Stick With the Mental Health Clubhouse

Earlier, I posted about how I wasn’t sure if I could stay at the clubhouse because I got the impression that someone was impatient with me. Some people on a forum and a commenter here encouraged me to stick with it. The people on the forum said that dealing with people who give discouraging responses is a good life skill to have and  that I need to build resilience. I’ll keep going, and I’ll work on those skills.

My Experience at the Mental Health Clubhouse, Plus Other Problems

I went to the orientation at the mental health clubhouse. I got the impression that one of the staff members was irritated with me, and I had trouble using the computer for my tasks, so I got too anxious to continue. I said, “I’m not feeling well, so I’d better go. I’m sorry.” I’m not sure if I can do this.

If I can’t do the Evergreen Club, the volunteer coordinator at the First Call for Help hotline won’t give me the position, so I’d lose two things in one.

To make things worse, there have been a lot of complications with getting my internet modem, and I’ve dealt with some really harsh customer service people. They’re also telling me contradictory things, which is confusing and stressful. I really needed my therapy appointment today, but I took a different bus than usual because I was coming from my mom’s place and missed my stop by accident. Now my therapist is unhappy with me, too. I have a lot of problems piling up on me, and I’m not keeping it together very well. It feels like a ton of people have turned against me.

DVR and the Mental Health Clubhouse

I had a DVR appointment that would’ve been a few days ago, but I missed it because I had trouble getting out of bed. That was the second time that I tried to go and didn’t get out of bed in time, so I’m not going to try making another appointment, because I think my bridge with them is burned. I feel really bad about flaking out. I value being dependable.

I made it to the interview at the mental health clubhouse, though. The staff member decided to let me into the club. I was going to go to an orientation on Thursday, but I called to reschedule because I had trouble getting out of bed again. I feel really bad about that, too. I rescheduled for tomorrow. It’s currently early evening, and I’m already tempted to reschedule thinking about how overwhelmed I am with needing to go grocery shopping, catch up on chores and errands, and start buying more stuff for my apartment, such as a sofa. I don’t want to burn another bridge, though, so I’ll adult up and go.

I’m worried that depression has ruined my life for good. I feel like I’ll be behind with an avalanche of things that I need to catch up on for the rest of my life. I wish I had waited to try getting involved with DVR and the clubhouse. If I managed to get catch up, it would’ve been easier. Losing DVR and trying to start at the clubhouse at the same time I catch up with the every day stuff I’m behind on is really hard.

My Thoughts On “How to Be Single and Happy: Science Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate,” by Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D.

My Thoughts On “How to Be Single and Happy: Science Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate,” by Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D.

Dr. Taitz’s book helped me get into a better mindset about being single. She validates how hard it is to be single when you want a relationship, but at the same time, encourages you to take responsibility for creating a life that you can feel awesome about with or without a partner. She supports her ideas with specific research studies. For example, she backs up her ideas about self compassion with a study by Jia Zhang and Serena Chen, who asked 400 students to write about their biggest regrets. The group who was told to think about them from a compassionate, understanding perspective accepted themselves more and improved more (46-47).

Love isn’t entirely within our control, so we shouldn’t go overboard strategizing or planning for it (xviii). The healthiest way to increase our chances of finding love is to work on our happiness (5). It’s important to look at the whole pie and not get too focused on one slice, whether it’s love or another one. I admit that I used to daydream a lot throughout the day about romance, but reading stuff like this has been helping me chill out.

The acronym DEARMAN gives us a blueprint for solving conflicts (p.211). I like it enough that I’ll refer to it in the future if conflicts come up.

This book is a good dating guide and, more importantly, a good guide to having a healthy attitude about life and growing as a person.

Works Cited

Taitz, Jennifer L. How To Be Single and Happy: Science Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate. Penguin Random House LLC, 2018.

Image Credit: Amazon