Content note: interpersonal difficulties
I told my (now former) therapist that I’d like to have close friends. I mentioned that I’d like it if we could share details with each other about our lives, and she said, “Why should they share details with you?” which made me angry cuz it seemed like she was accusing me of wanting to interrogate people, when I meant it in a spirit of curiosity, warmth and openness. If she wants to be a private person in her personal life, that’s fine, but it’s not fair that she shit on me for wanting to get to know some people well and let them know me. I wasn’t saying that every conversation had to be a deep heart to heart or that we’d need to talk every day like I would with a partner. I hate it when people twist my good intentions into something bad, something that they act like I’m appalling for.
Shaken, I told a forum about my experience with her and asked, “Is it okay to want close friendships?” Without knowing anything about my behavior, only the fact that I want close friendships, several people ganged up on me, all of them accusing me of similar things: being imposing, invasive, intruding into peoples’ personal space. I wouldn’t do something imposing or invasive or intruding like asking someone I didn’t know well a personal question or continuing to try to befriend someone who wasn’t interested. I hate it when people accuse me of acting in ways that I don’t act. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to be labelled these things just for asking if it’s okay to want close friendships. I’m furious!
I’m no longer interested in becoming close with anybody. The therapist and the people on the forum got hostile in response to me expressing a desire for closeness with others. If people in environments that are designed to be especially supportive are getting hostile with me for this, people in everyday life would probably react with even more hostility. I thought that closeness was something good and special, but it seems that at least some people view overtures of friendship as a threat. I dunno how to tell who would be this way and who, if anyone, would be like me (which I doubt, I guess I’m just fucked up), so to be on the safe side, I’ll treat everyone as if they would consider any overture to mean that I’m a bad person, and not make any overtures at all. I need to protect myself from further hostility. My mental health can’t withstand it. I’ll just deal with being isolated for the rest of my life.
Content note: worry that mental illness won’t get better
I’m worried that my mental illness is untreatable cuz I’ve gone through several therapists and just can’t seem to get along well enough with any of them for the partnership to be able to help alleviate my symptoms. Hotline staff and people on forums can’t seem to help me either cuz I keep having conflics with them, too. I haven’t had any luck with friendships and am worried that I’m incapable of ever having positive relationships with anybody besides my parents, who probably just stick around cuz we’re family. I’ve been trying so hard to learn social skills, but I still just can’t seem to deal with people. I keep finding these interactions excruciatingly painful. Therapy is supposed to help with stuff like that, but I’m so bad at dealing with people that I can’t even seem to deal with a therapist. I’m in an ugly cycle and can’t see a way out of it.
Content note: gets into my interpersonal pain
Currently, my parents are the only people I have in my support system. I don’t wanna overwhelm them, so I’ve been trying really hard to change this, but it has been difficult. My experiences with therapists have been very painful. Calling a hotline has resulted in pain. Asking for help on forums has also made me feel worse. I rarely make friends and haven’t been able to keep the ones I’ve made. I feel that people have unfairly made negative assumptions and judgments about me. I feel that people have been hostile towards me. I feel like I have been blown off. I feel like my hopes have been shit on. I don’t feel understood. People have accused me of attacking them when that wasn’t my intention, and I don’t understand what I did that makes them think that. I can’t tell if they’re villain-izing me on purpose as an attack or if I’m making mistakes with my behavior that make me come across badly unintentionally.
Lately I’ve been finding people confusing, disappointing, threatening, and chaotic. The thought, “Fuck people, I’ll just stick to myself and my family from now on,” has gone through my head. I’ve been tempted to abandon my hopes of finding friends, community, and romance and get back into work/school/volunteering, and do nothing but consume media all day or maybe even just go into a hibernation state for the rest of my life.
In spite of the lack of support system, I made some breakthroughs with my recovery that I wrote about earlier, but as the conflicts that have been happening in my search for support have added up, it has been unraveling. I had a bad conflict with my therapist and need to start fresh with a new one, but I’m not sure if I can gather the strength to find one. If I can’t get it together, I’ll lose my Social Security income and become homeless, so the pressure is intense. I’m suffering so much. I dunno if I’ll ever be okay again.
My (now former) therapist and I had an argument today, and the thought of facing her again stresses me out so much that I decided to switch agencies. She said that not every friendship will be a close friendship and people don’t have time to invest in friendships. I thought that friendships are supposed to be close, so I was upset to hear that, and I said, “That destroys me.” She accused me of having a mean tone. I got defensive and said, “I don’t appreciate the accusation.” She said, “You’re putting words in my mouth.” I said, “I’m not.” She said, “It seems like you’re trying to pick a fight.” I said, “I came here for therapy, to feel better and cuz Social Security forces me to. You’re just making me feel 10 times worse.” She made another accusation, I forget what, and I got so angry that I lost my temper, saying, “Shut up, asshole!” and I left.
I have a long history of difficulty getting along with therapists and people in general. I don’t want life to be like this. I constantly feel like a bomb could go off. People seem chaotic and threatening to me. That could be related to my schizophrenia. I wanna be able to be comfortable around people and have positive relationships. I wanna be a force of good in the world, someone who people can be comfortable around and who has a positive impact on peoples’ lives. I’m gonna go over my notes about the Nonviolent Communication book, by Marshall Rosenberg, again and start reading The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Anger, by Russell Kolts. I like that it has compassion in the title, since that’s something I value and a trait I wanna cultivate more of.
I hope to turn over a new leaf at the next agency. I’ll talk to the new therapist about the difficulties I’ve had getting along with other therapists. Maybe they’ll have ideas about how to make this relationship go better. One idea I have is to end the appointment early or leave the room for a little while and come back if I start getting upset.
I’ll continue updating the blog about my progress learning to manage conflicts.
For a while, I’ve had a bad habit of spending 12 hours or more per day sleeping due to mental health issues. Even after my mood started improving and I started enjoying activities again, the oversleeping persisted.
I feel a surge of willpower and am finally committing to not oversleeping anymore. I wanna spend more time developing myself as a person, helping others, taking care of my responsibilities, and simply having fun.
To help with this goal, I’ve started a new ritual of planning my day when I wake up every morning, which gives me something to look forward to when I’m going to bed. I’ll write about how I do that in another blog post.
It’s a privilege to be able to make the choice to cut down on my sleeping. Some people have health conditions that don’t give them a choice. I appreciate this ability and won’t let it go to waste anymore.
I lost another friend, but it might be my fault this time…I dunno. She was, at that point, my only friend, and thus the only person I could ask to be a personal reference for a volunteer job. She declined, and I said, “I understand,” trying to be nice. However, I was crushed, and felt like she really screwed me over. I was so sad and angry that I unfriended her. Declining to be my reference seemed like yet another part of a pattern of being more distant from me than I felt from her, and I didn’t feel like I could deal with being friends with someone in a situation like that. Now I’m friendless, and I probably deserve it.
Since I struggled with my first attempt to go to college, I’ve decided to do a college prep program before going back to school. I’ll probably do it in the spring. The program will cover aspects like math, English, researching, studying, communication, and campus tours (I don’t remember the layout of the school, and get lost easily). I’m really excited about it. Students who do a college prep program are more likely to stay in school and complete their educational goals (College Prep). If you would like to go to school, and feel that you could use some extra support, maybe college prep would be worth looking into.
“College Prep.” SCC Extended Learning, https://sccel.spokane.edu/College-Prep. Accessed 2 Dec 2017.