Content note: interpersonal difficulties
I told my (now former) therapist that I’d like to have close friends. I mentioned that I’d like it if we could share details with each other about our lives, and she said, “Why should they share details with you?” which made me angry cuz it seemed like she was accusing me of wanting to interrogate people, when I meant it in a spirit of curiosity, warmth and openness. If she wants to be a private person in her personal life, that’s fine, but it’s not fair that she shit on me for wanting to get to know some people well and let them know me. I wasn’t saying that every conversation had to be a deep heart to heart or that we’d need to talk every day like I would with a partner. I hate it when people twist my good intentions into something bad, something that they act like I’m appalling for.
Shaken, I told a forum about my experience with her and asked, “Is it okay to want close friendships?” Without knowing anything about my behavior, only the fact that I want close friendships, several people ganged up on me, all of them accusing me of similar things: being imposing, invasive, intruding into peoples’ personal space. I wouldn’t do something imposing or invasive or intruding like asking someone I didn’t know well a personal question or continuing to try to befriend someone who wasn’t interested. I hate it when people accuse me of acting in ways that I don’t act. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to be labelled these things just for asking if it’s okay to want close friendships. I’m furious!
I’m no longer interested in becoming close with anybody. The therapist and the people on the forum got hostile in response to me expressing a desire for closeness with others. If people in environments that are designed to be especially supportive are getting hostile with me for this, people in everyday life would probably react with even more hostility. I thought that closeness was something good and special, but it seems that at least some people view overtures of friendship as a threat. I dunno how to tell who would be this way and who, if anyone, would be like me (which I doubt, I guess I’m just fucked up), so to be on the safe side, I’ll treat everyone as if they would consider any overture to mean that I’m a bad person, and not make any overtures at all. I need to protect myself from further hostility. My mental health can’t withstand it. I’ll just deal with being isolated for the rest of my life.
Content note: worry that mental illness won’t get better
I’m worried that my mental illness is untreatable cuz I’ve gone through several therapists and just can’t seem to get along well enough with any of them for the partnership to be able to help alleviate my symptoms. Hotline staff and people on forums can’t seem to help me either cuz I keep having conflics with them, too. I haven’t had any luck with friendships and am worried that I’m incapable of ever having positive relationships with anybody besides my parents, who probably just stick around cuz we’re family. I’ve been trying so hard to learn social skills, but I still just can’t seem to deal with people. I keep finding these interactions excruciatingly painful. Therapy is supposed to help with stuff like that, but I’m so bad at dealing with people that I can’t even seem to deal with a therapist. I’m in an ugly cycle and can’t see a way out of it.
Content note: gets into my interpersonal pain
Currently, my parents are the only people I have in my support system. I don’t wanna overwhelm them, so I’ve been trying really hard to change this, but it has been difficult. My experiences with therapists have been very painful. Calling a hotline has resulted in pain. Asking for help on forums has also made me feel worse. I rarely make friends and haven’t been able to keep the ones I’ve made. I feel that people have unfairly made negative assumptions and judgments about me. I feel that people have been hostile towards me. I feel like I have been blown off. I feel like my hopes have been shit on. I don’t feel understood. People have accused me of attacking them when that wasn’t my intention, and I don’t understand what I did that makes them think that. I can’t tell if they’re villain-izing me on purpose as an attack or if I’m making mistakes with my behavior that make me come across badly unintentionally.
Lately I’ve been finding people confusing, disappointing, threatening, and chaotic. The thought, “Fuck people, I’ll just stick to myself and my family from now on,” has gone through my head. I’ve been tempted to abandon my hopes of finding friends, community, and romance and get back into work/school/volunteering, and do nothing but consume media all day or maybe even just go into a hibernation state for the rest of my life.
In spite of the lack of support system, I made some breakthroughs with my recovery that I wrote about earlier, but as the conflicts that have been happening in my search for support have added up, it has been unraveling. I had a bad conflict with my therapist and need to start fresh with a new one, but I’m not sure if I can gather the strength to find one. If I can’t get it together, I’ll lose my Social Security income and become homeless, so the pressure is intense. I’m suffering so much. I dunno if I’ll ever be okay again.
I lost another friend, but it might be my fault this time…I dunno. She was, at that point, my only friend, and thus the only person I could ask to be a personal reference for a volunteer job. She declined, and I said, “I understand,” trying to be nice. However, I was crushed, and felt like she really screwed me over. I was so sad and angry that I unfriended her. Declining to be my reference seemed like yet another part of a pattern of being more distant from me than I felt from her, and I didn’t feel like I could deal with being friends with someone in a situation like that. Now I’m friendless, and I probably deserve it.
Since I struggled with my first attempt to go to college, I’ve decided to do a college prep program before going back to school. I’ll probably do it in the spring. The program will cover aspects like math, English, researching, studying, communication, and campus tours (I don’t remember the layout of the school, and get lost easily). I’m really excited about it. Students who do a college prep program are more likely to stay in school and complete their educational goals (College Prep). If you would like to go to school, and feel that you could use some extra support, maybe college prep would be worth looking into.
“College Prep.” SCC Extended Learning, https://sccel.spokane.edu/College-Prep. Accessed 2 Dec 2017.
Content note: feeling of hopelessness
I thought that my date with Ky went well. He asked about my blog, and I appreciated that he showed an interest in it, since it’s such a big part of my life. We laughed a lot. At the end, I asked him if he’d like a hug, and he said yes. I said that I had fun, and he said that he did, too. However, he ignored the message I sent asking him out again. That’s typical for me. After dealing with this yet again, I have little confidence in my ability to read how well a person likes me. Being ignored after a first date is a particularly painful way to get rejected, but it’s how it usually happens for me, which sucks. I’ve made dates with four people since my last relationship, and all of them have rejected me. One even changed his mind about meeting me before our date. I’ve been in ten relationships, and every single time, I’ve been the one who was dumped. The constant rejection is excruciating. This time, my sleep problems (swinging between extremes of not sleeping enough and sleeping way too much) got worse, and I’ve been fidgeting and barely eating anything. It’s so rare that I see anyone who I can message on a dating site, for reasons such as they indicate not wanting to date a fat person or that they’re looking for something casual, that I can’t easily just jump back into dating after a rejection. Coming across another person that I can try with is a painfully slow process. I’m in a horrible mood and don’t feel very hopeful about being able to find a partner, or even local friends (I have one friend, but she lives in Seattle).
I have a date coming up with Ky, who I met on Match. He’s passionate about movies and wants to learn how to make them. I find it fascinating that he’s into something creative. Being creative isn’t a requirement for me to be into someone, but it’s a nice quality for them to have. I’ve thought about making movies or episodes myself someday. We also both like to read and play games. He’s really cute. I look forward to meeting him.