I’m Changing My Approach to Online Dating

I’m making some changes to how I do online dating so that it’ll work better for me.

I’ll pare down the dating sites I use to just one. I picked OkCupid to focus on. The way that it structures profiles draws out more information from people than other dating sites do, so I think that I can get the best sense of what someone’s like there. There are lots of optional match questions to answer, as well, which gives me more information about how compatible I might be with someone. For example, one question is, “Do you have a problem with racist jokes?” and if the person answers no, I know not to message them cuz we’re not on the same wavelength about respect for diversity. On another dating site, I might not find out that the person has racist views.

I’ll only go on OkCupid once a day, unless I have an ongoing conversation with someone. Combing through profiles over and over again trying to find someone to message is disappointing and frustrating, so I won’t spend as much time on it anymore.

Every since I started looking for a partner about five years ago (I’m not counting high school), I’ve almost entirely been relying on online dating. Since I still haven’t found a partner, I think that it’s time to rely on it less and instead use it as a supplement to approaching people who I’m attracted to in person. Having a screen as a buffer and having information about the person beforehand makes it easier to strike up a conversation, but I think that I’m motivated enough now to scrounge up some courage.

I hope that making these changes will help me find a connection.

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How My Date Turned Out

Content note: feeling of hopelessness

I thought that my date with Ky went well. He asked about my blog, and I appreciated that he showed an interest in it, since it’s such a big part of my life. We laughed a lot. At the end, I asked him if he’d like a hug, and he said yes. I said that I had fun, and he said that he did, too. However, he ignored the message I sent asking him out again. That’s typical for me. After dealing with this yet again, I have little confidence in my ability to read how well a person likes me. Being ignored after a first date is a particularly painful way to get rejected, but it’s how it usually happens for me, which sucks. I’ve made dates with four people since my last relationship, and all of them have rejected me. One even changed his mind about meeting me before our date. I’ve been in ten relationships, and every single time, I’ve been the one who was dumped. The constant rejection is excruciating. This time, my sleep problems (swinging between extremes of not sleeping enough and sleeping way too much) got worse, and I’ve been fidgeting and barely eating anything. It’s so rare that I see anyone who I can message on a dating site, for reasons such as they indicate not wanting to date a fat person or that they’re looking for something casual, that I can’t easily just jump back into dating after a rejection. Coming across another person that I can try with is a painfully slow process. I’m in a horrible mood and don’t feel very hopeful about being able to find a partner, or even local friends (I have one friend, but she lives in Seattle).

I Made a Date

I have a date coming up with Ky, who I met on Match. He’s passionate about movies and wants to learn how to make them. I find it fascinating that he’s into something creative. Being creative isn’t a requirement for me to be into someone, but it’s a nice quality for them to have. I’ve thought about making movies or episodes myself someday. We also both like to read and play games. He’s really cute. I look forward to meeting him.

Preferences About Analyzing Fiction

I like to analyze everything, including fiction. I thought that everyone did, but a couple of recent experiences have showed me that isn’t the case. I told my daddy that I was annoyed with a book cuz the author kept writing that a couple who had met at a party talked without giving any dialogue or at least saying what they talked about, and he said, “It’s just a story.” Recently, someone who I’ve been talking to on Match said that he plays the game Assassin’s Creed Origins. I read that there are characters in the game who are fighting for peace, and I told him, “That confuses me cuz fighting is the opposite of peace.” He said, “I like to cut fiction some slack.” I’ve learned that analyzing fiction is a specific preference of mine, not something generalized to everyone, and that some people will be happy to analyze fiction with me, while others won’t. Do you like to analyze fiction?

Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving!

I went to my Mommy’s place for Thanksgiving, and am staying with her for the next few days, too. We had turkey, potato salad, mashed potatoes, and fudge. She agreed that we could put bacon in the potato salad this time, and we found that we both liked it better that way. The fudge tasted great, but it had a consistency similar to pudding. We’re not sure why that happened. Overall, it was still a good meal.

This year, I’m thankful for getting my Social Security, my new kitty, Tomodachi, and my readers (hi!) What are you thankful for?

I Worked Things Out With My Friend

I was afraid that my friend Clare wasn’t interested in our friendship anymore cuz she would give me vague responses in our conversations. I told her what I observed and asked if she was happy with our friendship. She said that it’s taking time for her to get used to being back in contact, since I was still a minor when we were last in touch, and to gauge how to relate to me now that I’m older. Her responses have been vague cuz she prefers to talk about books that she has read, and I’ve talked a lot about books that I’ve read. I offered to read books that she has read so that we can discuss them in a way that’s more comfortable for her. She sent me the link to her Good Reads account so that I can follow what she’s reading. I’m glad that I tried to find out what she was thinking instead of giving up out of discouragement. I understand now that she needs some time to process, and I’m glad that we figured out a way to discuss books that works for both of us.

Uncertain About a Friendship

My friend Clare has been saying things like “I guess,” or “I don’t know” in conversations, which makes me worried that she’s not engaged in the friendship. I also don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know her much from our conversations, even though she keeps agreeing to schedule instant messaging sessions with me every month (she lives in another city). I just messaged her to let her know what I observed and ask if she’s happy with our friendship/communication. I’m really nervous cuz I’m making myself vulnerable.  Every time I’ve done that before with anyone besides my parents, the person hasn’t cared enough to talk things out with me. They always drop me when I do this. I’ve been criticized for using a direct and sincere style of communication. People have told me that our friendship isn’t a priority for them. Exes have brought up how mean they’ve been to me and told me that they’d rather break up than treat me better. I don’t understand why I get a cold reception from people when I’m warm and transparent with them. I feel alone and wonder if I’ll ever have good relationships in my life besides my parents, kitty, and therapist.