More Issues With Social Security

The payee organization I’m using is set up so that clients have a temporary payee for the first 30 days and then get switched to a long term payee. My temporary payee stopped working there last week, but they didn’t bother to let me know that. I’m not entirely sure who my current payee is, but they think it’s someone named Jerry. I tried calling Jerry yesterday. The organization promises to return calls within one business day, but he didn’t respond. I’m trying not to make a negative assumption about him, but I’m frustrated that I can’t get a hold of him. I’m upset that the organization hasn’t been proactive about communicating a change to me.

There are a lot of things I need to know, such as how often they’ll send me money, how much money they’ll send, and how they’ll deal with my rent and utilities. Social Security recently sent a letter saying that the payee got my back pay by the 16th, so I’ve apparently had money for a while, but the payee hasn’t given me any. I’m also upset about that.

There’s another issue, too. The smaller benefit I was on before Social Security has been cancelled, but Social Security thinks I’m still getting it for some reason, and they sent a letter saying that I’ll have my Social Security reduced by the amount I was getting starting in September. I found the letter saying that the benefit is cancelled, and I’ll have to use it to hopefully persuade Social Security to keep giving me the full amount.

I’m emotionally exhausted and miserable. I just wanna be able to access my money and start using it to enjoy my life. This should be a happy time for me, after a lifetime of having very little access to money, but it’s not. I’m screaming inside. I just wanna finally have financial stability.

On top of all of this, my dad is also upset, and he has been taking it out on me. The stress I’m feeling is unbearable.

My Experience Trying a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Meetup Event

On Saturday, I went to a sci-fi/fantasy Meetup. The group meets every month at a cafe in a bookstore at the mall. I like the location cuz I’m into books and coffee. I saw Hershey’s chocolate cheesecake in the display case and would like to try it sometime.

Someone gave the group an important life update, and everyone was supportive. I like that the group is a safe space and people can share things like that.

I think, including myself, there were nine people at the event. We started out having one giant conversation, which broke up into some smaller conversations going on at the same time. Since I haven’t had much social experience before, I didn’t expect that to happen. I was kinda flustered cuz it was hard to focus and to decide which conversation to participate in. I wound up participating in each sub-conversation for a little while.

There’s a person in the group who I’m attracted to. It sounds like he’s one of the regulars. I asked him a couple of questions about the Godzilla movie he was talking about, and he was responsive. I’d like to ask him out to coffee, but I’m not sure how well I have to know someone before it’s appropriate to ask them on a date. I’ll do some research about dating.

I got to learn a little bit about Doctor Who, a show that I’d like to check out. Doctor Who can remember things from past lives, which is cool, and in a spin-off show, the Doctor is a woman.

I had a great time at the Meetup and will keep going. I give Meetup a thumbs up as a site for meeting people.

I’m Gonna Try New Social Activities

I’m lonely, so I’m gonna try some new activities to spend some time around people. The activities I’ll try include a sci-fi/fantasy Meetup, a Unitarian church, and art sessions. I’ll also get involved in a program for people with mental illness that involves things like movies and cooking classes. I hope that eventually I’ll get to know some people well enough to hang out outside of the activities. I’m nervous about how well I’ll do at socializing, but I’ll try to stay in the moment.

No More Waiting and Waiting

Last week, I went on a date with someone who I allowed to keep me waiting for three hours until he finally showed up. I was waiting at a bookstore in a mall, and I got so tense and anxious that I couldn’t enjoy browsing the books. The situation brought back bad memories of waiting for hours for other dates, even with people I was in a relationship with. People I have been friends with have also kept me waiting for long periods of time. Both friends and dates have also stood me up altogether. I dunno why people keep treating this way, but I’ve decided not to put up with it anymore. From now on, I’ll wait fifteen minutes past my meeting time with someone, and that’s it.

I’ll Finally Start Getting Social Security

After three years of waiting, I’ll finally get my Social Security payments starting on August 1st. The news is bittersweet, however, cuz for the first month or two, my payments will be reduced. Since I have barely any income right now, my dad has been paying most of the bills, and Social Security is holding that against me even though I haven’t had the money to give my dad more. We’re both angry with Social Security. They’re very harsh. The reduced payments will cause us to struggle financially during those months. Having to wait even longer to be financially comfortable after an entire lifetime of hardship is agonizing.

In a (Somewhat) Better Place

Content note: fear of intruders, fear of bugs, description of a gross apartment, Donald Trump

I’m finally free of the group home and am staying with my dad temporarily. The amount of relief I’m feeling is staggering. I still have some anxiety, stress, and depression, but they have been reduced.

My current living situation has its own issues, although it’s a big improvement from the group home. My dad doesn’t like to lock the door except at night or while he’s gone, which is scary for me. I always want the door to be locked. When I get my own place, I’ll be able to lock it as much as I want, but until then, I have to deal with worrying that someone could barge in. Also, since the door is usually open, a lot of bugs fly in. I have a fear of bugs – specifically, that they’ll get into my orifices. I’m covered in bug bites, which is very irritating. I kinda panic and wave them away when they get too close to me, especially if they get close to my face. I often have to wave my arm multiple times to get them to go away.

The place is very grimy and has dead bugs and cobwebs.

Today he mentioned that he supports Trump as president and that he doesn’t like political correctness cuz it makes him “feel less than human.” He said that he hates living in a world where he has to think about what he says if he’s talking about a minority group. I hate having Trump for president, and political correctness is important to me, so I feel less positively inclined towards my dad. I still appreciate that he’s helping me out, but I admit that on a personal level, I just don’t like him. I’ll do my best to get along with him, though.

Life in a Group Home

I find living in a group home very stressful, and I’m gonna use this blog post to vent. Content note: property damage, physical assault, intimidating behaviors, threat of physical assault, suicide attempt, rape.

I had a roommate who hit me repeatedly and broke my stuff.

I had a roommate who wouldn’t lock the door, and someone came in and stole my stuff once when I was gone.

I had a roommate who would constantly complain if I had the light on during the DAY.

I had a roommate who would constantly call me names.

My current roommate poops on the potty floor and passive-aggressively sighs at me.

A couple of residents have aggressively stared me down despite not even having interacted before.

Another resident has threatened to choke me.

There are even more traumatic things than these that have happened that I won’t go into.

The staff are constantly in and out of my room, and several of them keep leaving the door unlocked, which is a big problem when I’m gone or asleep. I’m constantly afraid that someone is gonna steal my things or my roommate’s things or attack one of us at night.

Every time something goes wrong, the staff blame me, and they’ve blasted me to multiple therapists, ruining those relationships. They even ruined my Social Security hearing, cuz they told Social Security twisted versions of events that have happened and made me look bad.

I’m constantly having mental breakdown here cuz the environment is so stressful for me. I feel like a lot of residents and staff members are hostile towards me. I hate so many people at my group home, and am furious and traumatized.

I’ve been so unhappy here that I once attempted suicide, and multiple times, I’ve tried to run away, getting myself into dangerous situations. For example, I stayed with someone for a week who ended up raping me.

On June third, I’ll be able to move in temporarily with my dad, and from there, get my own place. I’ve struggled through a few years here and have just a couple more weeks to go, but the time is passing agonizingly slowly. I’m desperately screaming inside.

This blog provides me with an outlet, and it’s something that I have control over. I’m glad to have it. I’ll use it as a distraction. I’ll do my best to keep hanging in there until I can leave.