Tag: boundaries

Take Anything Less than an Enthusiastic Yes as a No

The writer of a letter to an advice column, who kept persisting when women responded ambiguously to their romantic overtures, was told to take ambiguous answers in the future as a no (Captain Awkward). This is an important social skill cuz some people are uncomfortable with rejecting someone directly. While it’s okay to prefer a different type of communication, it’s still important to respect their boundaries. Taking an unenthusiastic response as a no will also protect you cuz it’ll prevent wasting your energy on someone who isn’t interested. It’s a win win!

Here are some examples of enthusiastic responses to look for:

  • “That sounds fun!”
  • “I’d love to.”
  • “Yes.”

I made similar mistakes when I was younger. For example, when I was in high school, I asked someone out from the running team. He said, “I don’t want to date during running season.” I waited until the season for practice ended and then asked him out again, and he got upset. I’m more cautious now. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve just let go, partly so that he wouldn’t get upset, and partly cuz it’s better to hold out for someone who’ll wanna make time for me even if they have a busy schedule. I recently reconnected with two old friends, and the warm responses I got when I asked them about getting together or scheduling an im session felt so much better than the lukewarm response from my long ago crush. Holding out for people who show enthusiasm about you is worth it!

Works Cited

“#1009: Persistence is grossly overrated in dating and romance.” Captain Awkward. 14 Aug. 2017. Web. 3 Sept. 2017.

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No More Waiting and Waiting

Last week, I went on a date with someone who I allowed to keep me waiting for three hours until he finally showed up. I was waiting at a bookstore in a mall, and I got so tense and anxious that I couldn’t enjoy browsing the books. The situation brought back bad memories of waiting for hours for other dates, even with people I was in a relationship with. People I have been friends with have also kept me waiting for long periods of time. Both friends and dates have also stood me up altogether. I dunno why people keep treating this way, but I’ve decided not to put up with it anymore. From now on, I’ll wait fifteen minutes past my meeting time with someone, and that’s it.

Your Safety and Comfort are More Important than Someone’s Feelings

If someone you just met wants to give you a ride or hang out in a not-public place, it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to arrange your own transportation and insist on staying at a public place, even if upsets them.

If someone wants to have sex with you, and you don’t want to, or you want to sometime, but aren’t ready yet, it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say that you’re not ready, even if it upsets them.

I’ve done things that I’m uncomfortable with and things that have compromised my safety cuz I’ve been so worried about someone being disappointed or getting angry with me. After talking to my therapist, I understand that my safety and comfort are more important than someone’s feelings.

The same is true for you. If someone gets upset with you for putting up boundaries, that’s their problem, not yours.