Tag: disability

Career and Volunteer Stuff

DVR, which helps people with disabilities find jobs, didn’t send me the paperwork I needed to get started. Also, they didn’t call me back after I called to reschedule my first appointment. I was irritated with them, but I called them today to ask for the paperwork and make a new appointment. The receptionist said that they’re only working with the most significantly disabled people right now due to budget cuts, so she’s not sure if they can work with me. I remember how difficult is was to deal with being scrutinized about my ability level when working on my Social Security case, and now I’ll deal with the same feelings with another organization. I hope that they’re willing to work with me and give me some advice about how to become a mental health therapist.

The volunteer coordinator from the mental health hotline I applied to wants me to do a peer counseling training first because he said that he doesn’t have time to teach me all of the skills I’ll need. The website for the peer training says that they mostly train people who will become official peer counselors at Medicaid billable agencies. I’m not sure if they’d be willing to train someone who just wants to volunteer right now. After days of stressing about it, I called the peer counseling training assistant to ask, and I haven’t heard back. I’m not sure what to do if she doesn’t call me. I’ll ask my therapist for advice if I haven’t heard from the peer counseling person by the time I’m at my appointment.

Trying to get into volunteering/career stuff is stressing me out. However, if it doesn’t work out with DVR, or I don’t get the hotline volunteer job, I’m hopeful that I’ll find other ways to contribute to society.

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I’ve Changed My Mind and Will Change My Language to Protect Myself

Earlier, I posted about how people confronted me online for using little kid words and I decided that I wouldn’t change just to please them. I’ve decided to change, but to protect myself rather than to please them. I talked like a little kid to deal with the multiple traumas that I’ve endured in my life. It was a coping mechanism. However, now it’s breaking down as a coping mechanism cuz people are criticizing me for it, and the thought of dealing with further criticism about it is unbearable. I have to adapt for the sake of my mental health. There are already so many things that people can and have bullied me about: being fat, having a mental illness, being pansexual…the fewer things they can use as ammunition against me, the better.

My Response to Criticism of How I Talk

Content note: mention of past suicidal thoughts that have been resolved

Some people on a forum criticized me for how I talk when I asked for advice about how to get my groceries home without a car. I decided not to respond to that part of their responses cuz I’ve learned from experiences on other forums that it could escalate into a fight, and I could receive all of the blame and get kicked out of the forum. I just responded to the advice. Although I was upset, I thanked them for their suggestions.

More specifically, these people took issue with me using words like mommy, daddy, and foody. I’ve used these words and similar ones on my blog, so I figured that I’d address this on my blog. One person even said that talking this way makes people feel “awkward and uncomfortable,” which made me feel so awful that I had to call a helpline to stabilize myself.

Before calling that helpline, I considered just killing myself right then, cuz I felt like I must be a horrible person and society rejects me. The person I spoke to said, “I wouldn’t change something just because someone on the internet told me to.” After the call, I decided that I’m not gonna change how I talk to please people.

If people feel uncomfortable or awkward cuz of how I talk, they have the right to not interact with me, or not read my blog. I equally have the right to not interact with people who judge me. Even if the way I talk is a flaw, we all have flaws, and we all have the right to decide when interacting with each other if we can deal with each others’ particular flaws.

Although I have some younger sounding quirks with my language, I’ve been gaining maturity in more important areas, such as not getting into fights with people who upset me. I’ve decided to continue having pride in myself regardless of other peoples’ opinions.

 

Social Service Issues: Domino Effect

I’ve been working with the Supportive Living Program to find my first apartment. The social worker from the program said that he’d pay my deposit and rent for January. The apartment manager wants the three of us to meet at 10:00 on Wednesday to give her the checks. Over the last few business days, I tried frantically to get a hold of the social worker with no response till about an hour ago. I was so stressed out while trying to get a hold of him that I cancelled my DVR appointment for today (they’re an organization that helps people with disabilities find jobs) and my therapy appointment that was gonna be on Thursday. Now it turns out that I’ve missed those appointments for nothing.

I’m relieved that things are gonna work out okay with the social worker and apartment manager, but I’m disappointed and frustrated about missing my appointments. Also, I haven’t heard back from DVR all day, which is causing another anxiety spiral, making me wanna drop certain other plates I’m trying to carry. I’ve also been waiting for days to hear from my payee about whether she’ll fax something that the apartment manager needs. I’m afraid the pattern would repeat, however, and that DVR/my payee would come through for me after I let other things drop, like the social worker did. I hate how difficult it is to get a hold of people at social service agencies and how anxious it makes me when I can’t.

Happy New Year

In 2017, I won my Social Security disability case. Having financial security alleviated some of my depression. I discovered passions like psychology and criminology. I look forward to exploring my interests further and finding out what other interests I have. My relationships with my parents improved.

I welcome 2018. I’m working with DVR to get help with career planning. I’ll start a mental health support group for people to help each other with our journeys. I’m not sure yet when I’ll do that, but I look forward to it. In a few weeks, I’ll have my own place for the first time, which I think will alleviate my depression even more. I’m very excited.

Update: Trying to Find a Volunteer Job

One of the organizations for people with disabilities that the volunteer coordinator at the free restaurant suggested I reach out to told me that they only work with people who are clients at one of two other organizations for people with disabilities. I contacted one of these organizations, DVR, and have been assigned to a career counselor. I’m gonna meet with her on Tuesday the 16th at 10:30 am. I’ll ask her if she’s willing to help me find a volunteer job or refer me to someone who can at this other organization.

I Got Turned Down For the Volunteer Job and am Feeling Discouraged

I called the volunteer coordinator to provide a reference for a position at the free restaurant. She said that she doesn’t think I’m a good fit for the organization. She’s concerned that I won’t be able to work independently and that I would need too much training. There are two organizations for people with disabilities that she suggested I contact for help finding a volunteer job.

I sort of got kicked out of another organization for people with disabilities last year for some mistakes that I made (the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation), and I’m afraid that these organizations might decide to close my case, too, or might not even wanna meet with me at all. This is a better outcome than the other places that I’ve tried to volunteer, since I didn’t even hear back from them at all. A previous therapist recommended that I ask DVR if they’d be willing to try again with me.

I’m not even sure if it would be possible, since the website currently says that they’re working with only the most severely disabled people right now. Since I’m having such a difficult time even finding a volunteer organization that’s willing to work with my limitations, though, perhaps I’m one of them. I’m not sure. The criteria is frustratingly vague.

Maybe I can ask my current therapist to refer me. Or maybe it would be better to turn over a new leaf with one of these other organizations. Maybe I should focus on my own service projects. Maybe trying to help society is just too overwhelming and discouraging altogether and I should just stay out of society’s way and spend my days doing nothing but consuming media for the rest of my life.

Since I’m having such a hard time even finding a volunteer job, I feel like a loser.

I was really excited about volunteering for this organization. It would’ve combined my interests in restaurants and homelessness/poverty/hunger. I was hoping that I could learn restaurant skills and use my volunteer experience as a stepping stone to get a part time restaurant job to support myself when I go to school (if I can get through the college prep program).

Is there even any point trying to go to school? School trains people for competitive jobs, and I’ve been hoping/was hoping to eventually get a job as a therapist, but if I can’t even get a volunteer job, how can I possibly get a full time job?

I’m having a hard time coping, especially with everything else I’ve been dealing with: the process of getting my first apartment, difficulties gelling with my new therapist and psychiatrist, my kitty disappearing.

Tantrum!