Content note: interpersonal difficulties
I told my (now former) therapist that I’d like to have close friends. I mentioned that I’d like it if we could share details with each other about our lives, and she said, “Why should they share details with you?” which made me angry cuz it seemed like she was accusing me of wanting to interrogate people, when I meant it in a spirit of curiosity, warmth and openness. If she wants to be a private person in her personal life, that’s fine, but it’s not fair that she shit on me for wanting to get to know some people well and let them know me. I wasn’t saying that every conversation had to be a deep heart to heart or that we’d need to talk every day like I would with a partner. I hate it when people twist my good intentions into something bad, something that they act like I’m appalling for.
Shaken, I told a forum about my experience with her and asked, “Is it okay to want close friendships?” Without knowing anything about my behavior, only the fact that I want close friendships, several people ganged up on me, all of them accusing me of similar things: being imposing, invasive, intruding into peoples’ personal space. I wouldn’t do something imposing or invasive or intruding like asking someone I didn’t know well a personal question or continuing to try to befriend someone who wasn’t interested. I hate it when people accuse me of acting in ways that I don’t act. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to be labelled these things just for asking if it’s okay to want close friendships. I’m furious!
I’m no longer interested in becoming close with anybody. The therapist and the people on the forum got hostile in response to me expressing a desire for closeness with others. If people in environments that are designed to be especially supportive are getting hostile with me for this, people in everyday life would probably react with even more hostility. I thought that closeness was something good and special, but it seems that at least some people view overtures of friendship as a threat. I dunno how to tell who would be this way and who, if anyone, would be like me (which I doubt, I guess I’m just fucked up), so to be on the safe side, I’ll treat everyone as if they would consider any overture to mean that I’m a bad person, and not make any overtures at all. I need to protect myself from further hostility. My mental health can’t withstand it. I’ll just deal with being isolated for the rest of my life.
Content note: gets into my interpersonal pain
Currently, my parents are the only people I have in my support system. I don’t wanna overwhelm them, so I’ve been trying really hard to change this, but it has been difficult. My experiences with therapists have been very painful. Calling a hotline has resulted in pain. Asking for help on forums has also made me feel worse. I rarely make friends and haven’t been able to keep the ones I’ve made. I feel that people have unfairly made negative assumptions and judgments about me. I feel that people have been hostile towards me. I feel like I have been blown off. I feel like my hopes have been shit on. I don’t feel understood. People have accused me of attacking them when that wasn’t my intention, and I don’t understand what I did that makes them think that. I can’t tell if they’re villain-izing me on purpose as an attack or if I’m making mistakes with my behavior that make me come across badly unintentionally.
Lately I’ve been finding people confusing, disappointing, threatening, and chaotic. The thought, “Fuck people, I’ll just stick to myself and my family from now on,” has gone through my head. I’ve been tempted to abandon my hopes of finding friends, community, and romance and get back into work/school/volunteering, and do nothing but consume media all day or maybe even just go into a hibernation state for the rest of my life.
In spite of the lack of support system, I made some breakthroughs with my recovery that I wrote about earlier, but as the conflicts that have been happening in my search for support have added up, it has been unraveling. I had a bad conflict with my therapist and need to start fresh with a new one, but I’m not sure if I can gather the strength to find one. If I can’t get it together, I’ll lose my Social Security income and become homeless, so the pressure is intense. I’m suffering so much. I dunno if I’ll ever be okay again.
I lost another friend, but it might be my fault this time…I dunno. She was, at that point, my only friend, and thus the only person I could ask to be a personal reference for a volunteer job. She declined, and I said, “I understand,” trying to be nice. However, I was crushed, and felt like she really screwed me over. I was so sad and angry that I unfriended her. Declining to be my reference seemed like yet another part of a pattern of being more distant from me than I felt from her, and I didn’t feel like I could deal with being friends with someone in a situation like that. Now I’m friendless, and I probably deserve it.
Content note: feeling of hopelessness
I thought that my date with Ky went well. He asked about my blog, and I appreciated that he showed an interest in it, since it’s such a big part of my life. We laughed a lot. At the end, I asked him if he’d like a hug, and he said yes. I said that I had fun, and he said that he did, too. However, he ignored the message I sent asking him out again. That’s typical for me. After dealing with this yet again, I have little confidence in my ability to read how well a person likes me. Being ignored after a first date is a particularly painful way to get rejected, but it’s how it usually happens for me, which sucks. I’ve made dates with four people since my last relationship, and all of them have rejected me. One even changed his mind about meeting me before our date. I’ve been in ten relationships, and every single time, I’ve been the one who was dumped. The constant rejection is excruciating. This time, my sleep problems (swinging between extremes of not sleeping enough and sleeping way too much) got worse, and I’ve been fidgeting and barely eating anything. It’s so rare that I see anyone who I can message on a dating site, for reasons such as they indicate not wanting to date a fat person or that they’re looking for something casual, that I can’t easily just jump back into dating after a rejection. Coming across another person that I can try with is a painfully slow process. I’m in a horrible mood and don’t feel very hopeful about being able to find a partner, or even local friends (I have one friend, but she lives in Seattle).
I was afraid that my friend Clare wasn’t interested in our friendship anymore cuz she would give me vague responses in our conversations. I told her what I observed and asked if she was happy with our friendship. She said that it’s taking time for her to get used to being back in contact, since I was still a minor when we were last in touch, and to gauge how to relate to me now that I’m older. Her responses have been vague cuz she prefers to talk about books that she has read, and I’ve talked a lot about books that I’ve read. I offered to read books that she has read so that we can discuss them in a way that’s more comfortable for her. She sent me the link to her Good Reads account so that I can follow what she’s reading. I’m glad that I tried to find out what she was thinking instead of giving up out of discouragement. I understand now that she needs some time to process, and I’m glad that we figured out a way to discuss books that works for both of us.
My friend Clare has been saying things like “I guess,” or “I don’t know” in conversations, which makes me worried that she’s not engaged in the friendship. I also don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know her much from our conversations, even though she keeps agreeing to schedule instant messaging sessions with me every month (she lives in another city). I just messaged her to let her know what I observed and ask if she’s happy with our friendship/communication. I’m really nervous cuz I’m making myself vulnerable. Every time I’ve done that before with anyone besides my parents, the person hasn’t cared enough to talk things out with me. They always drop me when I do this. I’ve been criticized for using a direct and sincere style of communication. People have told me that our friendship isn’t a priority for them. Exes have brought up how mean they’ve been to me and told me that they’d rather break up than treat me better. I don’t understand why I get a cold reception from people when I’m warm and transparent with them. I feel alone and wonder if I’ll ever have good relationships in my life besides my parents, kitty, and therapist.
Last month, I started hanging out with someone who I met at a coffee social. We both liked to read, and spent some of our time together simply reading next to each other. He said that he likes to drink, but doesn’t know when to stop. He kept drinking until he felt sick. He abruptly ended one hang out and cancelled the last one we were gonna do cuz he said he felt sick from drinking. I figured that since he cancelled, he should be the one to reschedule. I’ve waited for weeks and haven’t heard from him. I think that drinking is more important to him than making a new friend. I’m disappointed that things didn’t work out. I’ll go to more activities and try meeting other people.