Content note: gets into my interpersonal pain
Currently, my parents are the only people I have in my support system. I don’t wanna overwhelm them, so I’ve been trying really hard to change this, but it has been difficult. My experiences with therapists have been very painful. Calling a hotline has resulted in pain. Asking for help on forums has also made me feel worse. I rarely make friends and haven’t been able to keep the ones I’ve made. I feel that people have unfairly made negative assumptions and judgments about me. I feel that people have been hostile towards me. I feel like I have been blown off. I feel like my hopes have been shit on. I don’t feel understood. People have accused me of attacking them when that wasn’t my intention, and I don’t understand what I did that makes them think that. I can’t tell if they’re villain-izing me on purpose as an attack or if I’m making mistakes with my behavior that make me come across badly unintentionally.
Lately I’ve been finding people confusing, disappointing, threatening, and chaotic. The thought, “Fuck people, I’ll just stick to myself and my family from now on,” has gone through my head. I’ve been tempted to abandon my hopes of finding friends, community, and romance and get back into work/school/volunteering, and do nothing but consume media all day or maybe even just go into a hibernation state for the rest of my life.
In spite of the lack of support system, I made some breakthroughs with my recovery that I wrote about earlier, but as the conflicts that have been happening in my search for support have added up, it has been unraveling. I had a bad conflict with my therapist and need to start fresh with a new one, but I’m not sure if I can gather the strength to find one. If I can’t get it together, I’ll lose my Social Security income and become homeless, so the pressure is intense. I’m suffering so much. I dunno if I’ll ever be okay again.
On top of the problems I’m having with Social Security, now my payee isn’t helping with my bills like she’s supposed to. She didn’t pay my half of the rent or internet, and she paid my half of the power bill late. I ran into the landlord on my way home, and he told me that he only received half of the rent. I told him that I’d talk to my payee.
My daddy and I could have late fees. We could wind up homeless. The power could get turned off. Even if we get things sorted out this month, I could still wind up homeless later, cuz starting in October, Social Security wants to pay me only $216 a month, despite the fact that I’m not getting financial help from my family (Social Security normally reduces a check cuz of that). I pay for my own food and bills.
I thought I finally caught a break after a lifetime of hardly ever having any money, and it looks like that’s already over. I’ve been homeless a couple of times before, and it looks like I might be homeless again.
I was gonna go to a temporary apartment to leave my bad living environment, but now I probably won’t be able to afford it.
The stress is absolutely crushing.
I recently got a letter from Social Security that makes it sound like they wanna cut my income from $735 a month to $216. I emailed my payee about it. She said that my money is “fluctuating” and that “there are no concrete answers.” She estimates that it’ll take about two months to find out how much money I’ll be getting.
The stress is unbearable. After a lifetime of severe financial strain, I thought things were looking up when I started getting Social Security. I only got to enjoy that for a short while before being plunged back into chaos. I’m worried about if I’ll be able to keep myself housed. I’m just worried in general about being able to make it if they reduce my money.
It’s very hard to get through life right now.
For a while, I didn’t know who my payee is and couldn’t get a hold of the organization. I was finally able to get a hold of the organization on Monday, and my payee called me later that day. On Tuesday, I got to access my money. Social Security said they would reduce my money cuz of a benefit that I don’t get anymore. I talked to someone on the phone about it, and they said that it would be reduced for August and September, but go back to normal after that. I’m not happy about my income being reduced for two months, but at least it isn’t long term. For a while, I was so stressed out about my money that my feelings were unbearable. I’m much calmer now that these issues have been resolved. Now I need to find out if I can pay Social Security’s over-payment from when I was a child back from my back pay instead of having 10% of my check taken out every month. I’d prefer to rip the band-aid off all at once. Since I dealt with bigger issues with Social Security, I feel like although it’ll be hard, I can deal with this, too.
The payee organization I’m using is set up so that clients have a temporary payee for the first 30 days and then get switched to a long term payee. My temporary payee stopped working there last week, but they didn’t bother to let me know that. I’m not entirely sure who my current payee is, but they think it’s someone named Jerry. I tried calling Jerry yesterday. The organization promises to return calls within one business day, but he didn’t respond. I’m trying not to make a negative assumption about him, but I’m frustrated that I can’t get a hold of him. I’m upset that the organization hasn’t been proactive about communicating a change to me.
There are a lot of things I need to know, such as how often they’ll send me money, how much money they’ll send, and how they’ll deal with my rent and utilities. Social Security recently sent a letter saying that the payee got my back pay by the 16th, so I’ve apparently had money for a while, but the payee hasn’t given me any. I’m also upset about that.
There’s another issue, too. The smaller benefit I was on before Social Security has been cancelled, but Social Security thinks I’m still getting it for some reason, and they sent a letter saying that I’ll have my Social Security reduced by the amount I was getting starting in September. I found the letter saying that the benefit is cancelled, and I’ll have to use it to hopefully persuade Social Security to keep giving me the full amount.
I’m emotionally exhausted and miserable. I just wanna be able to access my money and start using it to enjoy my life. This should be a happy time for me, after a lifetime of having very little access to money, but it’s not. I’m screaming inside. I just wanna finally have financial stability.
On top of all of this, my dad is also upset, and he has been taking it out on me. The stress I’m feeling is unbearable.
After three years of waiting, I’ll finally get my Social Security payments starting on August 1st. The news is bittersweet, however, cuz for the first month or two, my payments will be reduced. Since I have barely any income right now, my dad has been paying most of the bills, and Social Security is holding that against me even though I haven’t had the money to give my dad more. We’re both angry with Social Security. They’re very harsh. The reduced payments will cause us to struggle financially during those months. Having to wait even longer to be financially comfortable after an entire lifetime of hardship is agonizing.
Today, I went to my Social Security hearing. A doctor gave a testimony that I felt very uncomfortable hearing. I felt like she put words in my mouth, portrayed me in an unnecessarily harsh way, and insulted the mental health professionals who treat me.
To my surprise, the judge decided in only fifteen minutes that I qualify for SSI. A vocational expert was gonna testify, and he was gonna ask me some questions, but he decided that the doctor’s testimony was enough. According to my lawyer, hearings typically last for about 45 minutes. My dad, who is also on Social Security, said that it’s common for people to be upset by their hearings. It makes me sad that other people have a difficult time with it, too.
Although I didn’t like the doctor’s testimony, I’m happy that I’m finally gonna get SSI. It’ll help me get out of my group home, which I feel is a very stressful place to live. I’m gonna move in with my dad temporarily. While I live with him, he’ll teach me some life skills to help me get a ready for my own place. I’ll get enrolled in a program that helps people with psychiatric disabilities find a place and get integrated into the community. I look forward to getting an apartment and meeting new people through the program. I think those things will make a positive impact on my mental health, which will hopefully help me become able to support myself.